Tension Tuesday

Yesterday was an interesting day in the MacGillivray household. We didn't really do much and nothing in itself was eventful but it was tricky. We have had a few of these days. We were all home, but didn't really have a plan. Dave and I hadn't really talked about the day and so we were all a bit aimless.

I was tired, Dave was tired, the girls were just being themselves - needing things, wanting attention and requiring a little direction. Dave and I aren't always on the ball at the moment and things that were once easy are now a little more difficult and yesterday was full of it. I'm not always clear with what I say and what I mean because my head is messed up and I usually don't speak clearly enough for Dave to hear because I have always mumbled (just ask Dad) and now it's worse.

I also don't like having to ask Dave (or anyone for that matter) to do something more than once. I feel like a nag. But I also get annoyed because I want whatever I asked to be done because I think it is important. I know this is a psychological issue of mine and I am often aware of it when I request things, which makes it all the worse. So often I just end up doing things myself because I can't be bothered with the possible hassle. Then that means Dave doesn't do stuff, but I haven't even asked but then I still feel annoyed because I'm struggling through while it appears to me that he is frittering away time doing nothing. But he might be doing something useful, it's just not my priority and I don't want to ask because I don't want to nag because I don't want to talk it out because even that is tiring and I don't want to make him cross because that's a different issue of mine and I don't want to wade through that junk when there's the more pressing problem of getting rid of cancer. But Dave doesn't know quite what's going on either because he's not sure whether to let me do stuff to have a sense of achievement and if I'm doing it because I feel okay or whether he's supposed to make me rest and do the jobs.

So anyway, that was a tension filled Tuesday. Possibly I have divulged too much information about the Dave and Beth partnership, but nevermind, we are both fully flawed post-fall humans after all.

Today has been a bit better. Dave stayed up and killed villains or aliens or monsters or something on the computer last night so he felt he'd had a bit of time out. He then went to work and I was home with the girls. I felt okay. Not up for lots, but okay to look after the girls. They watched Shrek then Elsie had a good nap and while she slept Maesie and I read/played Cinderella, Snow White and Rapunzel. That's the latest thing for Maesie - acting out the stories with Barbies, the Prince and all sorts of other props. There is no way she gets that from me and after doing three stories today, I was pretty over it. She wanted to keep going but then Elsie woke up and Dave's mum came to collect the girls. Just in time, because I was staring down the barrel of another story.

Dave came home just as mum and the girls were leaving. Once they'd gone we tidied up inside and picked up all the props from our earlier story telling. We did end up talking about yesterday and about how tricky and weird things have been and partly sorted things out.

We did have a little church meeting earlier this evening but after that we have had some nice time at home without the girls, folding washing together in front of the tv. I know they go to bed at night and they usually aren't too much of a hassle but it does make a difference when they aren't even here.

Aside from all this, I have another little side effect to add to my list - I get little cramps in my hands and feet. I'm pretty sure this is due to the vincristine, the same drug that causes the numbness. It's not that fun.