There walks a lady we all know

It was a year ago this week when everything got crazy really quickly. I was looking through my journal/notebook the other day and reading what I'd written. It was October 26th when the doctor told me the needle biopsy seemed to indicate Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I saw her the next day and after that appointment I went to see the surgeon - by the evening of October 27th I was at Modbury Hospital in preparation for removal of a lymph node from my neck the next day (Wednesday). On Thursday 29th I went home - that was a year today.

I went to see the psychologist this week and once I'd told her about my year, she wasn't surprised that I was back to see her. It was quite good. My head isn't all sorted out, it's going to take a while - but it was good to have someone help me start to work through a whole tonne of junk from the last 12 months.

I have remembered a number of times lately that around this time last year I was also taking Maesie to rehearsals for her dance concert. I am so very glad that I'm not doing that this year. No crazy make up, no hair in rags. It's lovely.

I'm still struggling with getting rid of a few kilos. I'm doing more exercise and eating less (most days) but I can't shift it. I am getting fitter and I feel better, but I just don't seem to be able to farewell some unwanted pounds. I know there may be legitimate reasons for this, but how long can I blame treatment? When should I do something else about it, or go and see someone? Who knows.

Lately it's been a struggle at home. Dave and I are tired. We stay up too late, Dave is trying to finish assignments, the girls wake us up during the night and we haven't really paused since I got the all-clear in September. The girls are being 2 and 4. They bug each other, don't listen to us, don't want those socks today, don't want to brush their hair. Dave and I are not on the front foot with the girls (or much, really) and we always feel behind. It doesn't make for a happy family. I felt rebuked this morning though because we went to the funeral of the baby who died a while ago. I need to find ways to enjoy my children while I still have them. It was so wrong to have such a tiny box up the front and to place a flower on it and so sad to watch a man carry his son to the back of a car in a box. One of the songs was 'Because He Lives'. I haven't sung that song for ages and it's a pleasant little chorus:

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone.
Because I know, He holds the future,
And life is worth the living, just because He lives.

I guess it also summarises my year a bit - whatever came along could be faced because Jesus died and rose to life.

I've decided to bring this blog to an end. I have one more post to write and then I won't be adding anything else, unless some other, significant, life changing event occurs. It's been handy to have somewhere to write things and to be able to let people know what's going on without lots of emails or phone calls, but now it's more difficult to make time to post. There also isn't much to say these days - random comments about things in the day, complaints about children not sleeping, other banal ramblings that don't need to be shared. I might make it into a book of some description, maybe just a print out of the blog as it stands for my own records or maybe something bigger with the goal of publication - I'm not sure at the moment.

Making way for the postman

There's not a whole lot to say, and I don't have long to say it because I have to go to bed. I just thought I'd better write something for the week.

The main thing is that I have been feeling better. I will still go and see the psychologist next week because it will be good to think through some things, but the last few days have not been as bad.

On the weekend we got a few jobs done in the yard, which is a bonus. Today I pulled some more weeds out too. The weeds definitely defeated us this winter but next year I am hoping they won't get as far. We have a new strategy that involves Zero in spray packs conveniently located by the front door.

I think the postman has been avoiding our letterbox. The letters were on the bonnet of the car this morning, except I didn't notice until I had picked up a bit of speed down the street and they all flew off. I had to stop and run down the road to pick them all up. Then when I got home today there was a catalogue on the footpath. I think he's grumpy about the letterbox being full of rocks (courtesy of the girls) and there often being a car parked on the bit between the road and our letterbox (the verge?) and lots of high weeds. There's no dog chasing him though, so what's the big deal. Anyway, I like getting mail so I returned the rocks to the path, pulled up the weeds, asked Dave to whipper-snip the tall grass and moved the car. Hopefully the mail goes in the box tomorrow. Perhaps I need to lay a red carpet.

You may recall that some time ago I had a slight pre-wedding dilemma because I couldn't find the underpants I wanted. I found them today. They were in one of the 'to be washed' clothes hampers in the laundry, under a dress I haven' t worn since last summer and eventually threw into the machine today. Happy day. I was glad to see them again.

The other thing to mention is that I have signed up for WaterAid's Walk4Water and I am attempting to take 10 000 steps each day for a month to raise some cash for WaterAid. They help people in developing countries access clean, safe water. Please think about sponsoring my efforts and be thankful for the water you can access from a tap in your house. Here's a link that should work:
https://www.wateraidcommunity.org.au/SSLPage.aspx?pid=407&frsid=695

Anger, fear, aggression... the dark side are they.

I haven't been up to much really in the last week. Some work, a course for church, a family picnic, a couple of meetings. I have started making more of an effort to get fit again and to try and get rid of a few extra kilos that are no longer welcome. I've finished the antibiotics for my neck and that's pretty much fixed up. It's not red and it's not swollen anymore. It's healing ok I think.

I dropped Maesie at kindy this morning and ummed and ahhhed about this on my way home and I think I reached the conclusion that I should include it because it's part of this whole journey and I've been honest up till now, so why change?

It's been about three weeks since I was told I am in remission and although it would probably be fair to think I should be ultra happy and walking with a spring in my step, I'm not. I'm actually feeling fairly messed up. I suspect I am depressed, which is nothing new as I had post natal depression with Elsie and garden variety depression a number of years before that. I'm quite grumpy, quite angry and quite teary. I can't really work out why. I did borrow a whole heap of books on 'surviving' cancer and the psychological effects but I didn't finish them. Looks like I should have.

Don't think that I wish I wasn't in remission. That is not it at all. I am glad not to have lymphoma anymore. I am glad that I don't have to have any further treatment. I thank and praise the Lord for healing me and I know that He will get me through this bumpy time too. But I'm finding it's not just as easy as accepting it's all over and moving on. I almost feel more messed up now than I did when I first found out. I guess when it was all happening and I felt crap and had treatment and went to hospital and had blood tests and had no hair there was something to focus on, to work through, to take on as a challenge. Now I feel a bit like I've just been cut off and left to drift. You're all better, off you go. Back to what you were doing a year ago before all this crap landed in your lap. But I can't just go back. Things aren't the same as they used to be, in so many different ways. Or maybe it's more that most things are still much the same, but I am not. I don't know.

I half think that it's not a big deal and I should just get over it. Work it out, pull myself together. I'm not totally miserable, I do have some ok times and I can function pretty close to normal, but I feel the balance is more to the dark side than is recommended for good mental health. So I'm out of sorts. I've made an appointment to see the psychologist again, so hopefully that will help to get back on track.

Now, I've put this all here because I think it needs to be included and because it's safe to type it out on the computer. I don't want to talk about it in real life. It's a little risky and I'm a bit uncertain about everyone knowing stuff they usually wouldn't but I'm also a bit over caring. This is what's going on. But if you see me, don't embrace me or say anything about it.

This post will erase itself from your memory when you walk away from the computer.....

Part of a redneck agenda

I had my biopsy operation a couple of weeks ago, on the Wednesday. The following Thursday (that's last week now) I went in to see the surgeon so that he could check out my wound and follow up the procedure. It was nice to meet him - awake and fully clothed. He had a look at my neck and said it all looked good and repeated that he didn't see anything nasty down in my chest. After that appointment I drove to Gaganis Bros and had a great time buying all sorts of supplies for a conference I was about to cook on. Such a great place. I will definitely be going there again. I digress.

On Friday Dave and I dropped the girls with grandparents and drove to Victor for the conference. The cut on my neck was a bit red, but not too crazy and it wasn't sore enough for Panadol. On Saturday though, it was a bit more red and swollen and hot. I asked one of the guys who was a doctor at the conference what he thought and he said it didn't look too bad, just keep an eye on it and keep it clean. So I did and on Sunday I thought it was still red and swollen and hot so I asked a different doctor at the conference what he thought. He also didn't think it was too bad, but to keep an eye on it. On Sunday evening Dave and another one of the kitchen folk thought that it was starting too look worse, so they called in the doctor again. He agreed that it looked a bit worse and suggested a trip to the Victor hospital may be wise. We thanked him with a piece of florentine slice and then Dave and I went to the hospital. It was thankfully quiet. We were in and out with a day's worth of antibiotics and a prescription for a full course in about an hour. Bulk billed. Not too bad for a Sunday night of a long weekend. We were sorry that we had not taken more florentine slice for the doctor at the hospital. We returned to the conference in time for supper.

On Monday night when we got home it was still quite swollen and big and red. One end kind of opened a little and started oozing goo, so I armed myself with tissues and gently massaged and pressed my neck around the wound to assist in the draining of disgustingness from my neck. A bit of fun but a fair bit of gross. I had another crack at it on Tuesday morning and got a bit more out. Today it's not being very interesting. It's gone down and isn't very swollen. It's not oozing and it's not angry red anymore.

Camping and a conference

I know it's been a long time since my previous post which is a bit shody, especially since it contained such significant news. The last 11 days have been crazy though - I've only really been home for three of those days. I will give a run down of the last little while...

On Friday after the hospital the four of us drove to my parent's place to pick up their trailer which we then took down to a friend's place near the city to pick up an outdoor setting. We had a little catch up and then wiggled the furniture through the house and out to the trailer. Dave played tetris with the chairs in the car and on the trailer, with only a small length of rope. We left there at about 2:00 and went to Dave's parents for 'lunch'. Once we got home, Dave headed out again to collect a camper trailer from a friend and the day was pretty much done - dinner, storytime, kids to bed - and we'd achieved only two small tasks.

Saturday morning was RPM for me and Combat for Dave at Starplex, then home to pack for a camping trip. We left home way later than we planned and eventually got to Mount Crawford to join Dave's sisters and their families for a few days camping. The day was however saddened for me as we arrived home from the gym to a message on our answering machine and when I followed it up we found out that the very new child of some friends of ours had died. I haven't spoken to them again yet or learned any of the details but it was a bit of a shake up and gave me quite a heavy heart. I was very struck by the contrast of my good health news to the loss of such a small person and the pain of that for the family and how the world keeps turning in both cases as if nothing has happened but such experiences alter people forever.

We came home from camping on Tuesday, unpacked, spent Wednesday and Thursday at home washing and getting ready to leave again. On Friday we packed more bags, dropped the girls with grandparents and Dave and I went down to Victor Harbor to help at a ministry conference. I was cooking, with a whole heap of helpers, and Dave was MC of a few of the sessions as well as being in the kitchen.

Today we packed up, drove home, took our children back and started unpacking. That gets me to about now. I do have more to add but I'm going to bed as soon as possible so I will have to write more in the days to come.