Anger, fear, aggression... the dark side are they.

I haven't been up to much really in the last week. Some work, a course for church, a family picnic, a couple of meetings. I have started making more of an effort to get fit again and to try and get rid of a few extra kilos that are no longer welcome. I've finished the antibiotics for my neck and that's pretty much fixed up. It's not red and it's not swollen anymore. It's healing ok I think.

I dropped Maesie at kindy this morning and ummed and ahhhed about this on my way home and I think I reached the conclusion that I should include it because it's part of this whole journey and I've been honest up till now, so why change?

It's been about three weeks since I was told I am in remission and although it would probably be fair to think I should be ultra happy and walking with a spring in my step, I'm not. I'm actually feeling fairly messed up. I suspect I am depressed, which is nothing new as I had post natal depression with Elsie and garden variety depression a number of years before that. I'm quite grumpy, quite angry and quite teary. I can't really work out why. I did borrow a whole heap of books on 'surviving' cancer and the psychological effects but I didn't finish them. Looks like I should have.

Don't think that I wish I wasn't in remission. That is not it at all. I am glad not to have lymphoma anymore. I am glad that I don't have to have any further treatment. I thank and praise the Lord for healing me and I know that He will get me through this bumpy time too. But I'm finding it's not just as easy as accepting it's all over and moving on. I almost feel more messed up now than I did when I first found out. I guess when it was all happening and I felt crap and had treatment and went to hospital and had blood tests and had no hair there was something to focus on, to work through, to take on as a challenge. Now I feel a bit like I've just been cut off and left to drift. You're all better, off you go. Back to what you were doing a year ago before all this crap landed in your lap. But I can't just go back. Things aren't the same as they used to be, in so many different ways. Or maybe it's more that most things are still much the same, but I am not. I don't know.

I half think that it's not a big deal and I should just get over it. Work it out, pull myself together. I'm not totally miserable, I do have some ok times and I can function pretty close to normal, but I feel the balance is more to the dark side than is recommended for good mental health. So I'm out of sorts. I've made an appointment to see the psychologist again, so hopefully that will help to get back on track.

Now, I've put this all here because I think it needs to be included and because it's safe to type it out on the computer. I don't want to talk about it in real life. It's a little risky and I'm a bit uncertain about everyone knowing stuff they usually wouldn't but I'm also a bit over caring. This is what's going on. But if you see me, don't embrace me or say anything about it.

This post will erase itself from your memory when you walk away from the computer.....