To run or not to run.

My sister got cranky at me for not posting anything for over a week but there isn't much to mention at the moment.

I had a good week energy-wise and got to the gym a few times. I am considering doing the City to Bay run in September but I've only got about 6 weeks to train so I'm not sure how that would go. I might do six kms instead of 12. Or maybe I'll just sit home and do not much. Last year the run was in between first becoming aware of the lump at the bottom of my neck and being diagnosed. It was a bit touch and go whether I'd do that run too. What a crazy year it's been.

Last weekend our nephew stayed over and we all had quite a good time. The girls loved having him around and Maesie has said many times during the week that she was grumpy/sad/upset because she missed him. I think she's using it for a convenient cover-up but it must have meant a fair bit to her regardless. She's also been carrying around a photo of him holding her when she was a baby as some kind of reminder. I should add that she does see this cousin fairly often - it's not like he came from interstate or anything. Crazy kids.

On Saturday I attempted to make brownies. I had three helpers - aged 13, 4 and 2. It was horrid. Everyone wanted to lick everything and help add eggs and mix and lick everything and taste it. Eventually I got it all into the pans and into the oven and had three satisfied helpers with large chocolate smiles. On Saturday night I went to a fundraising event for the Leukaemia Foundation. It was held by the daughter of one of the guys I mentioned some time ago - the guy I spoke to once in the Day Centre and then shared the car with and we had to take him back to the hospital. She (the daughter) is a good friend of one of my friends. It was a stamping/cardmaking/scrapbooking mini event with a few raffles and things. It was a good night and all up I think she raised about $900 for the Foundation.

Sunday was a good day. After church Maesie went to play at another family's house with their two girls and their son came home with us to play computer games with our nephew. Around 4pm Maesie, her two friends and their mum (my friend, but not the one from Saturday) came to our place. They stayed for tea and the nine of us had a good evening, although it was slightly crazy.

Back to work/school/pre-school/day care on Monday. Work again for me on Tuesday. Wednesday I did City to Bay training at the gym and then a few bits and pieces at home. Thursday I did rpm and then child-rearing duties. Today my legs are sore and it is hard to kneel down or squat or sit and there's a fair bit of kneeling and squatting to be done with the youngsters. It's been a fairly good day - we ventured out for a few things and had the normal share of trials with refusal to sit in carseats, requirements for teddy, pulled hair, spills etc.

The next thing on my medical 'plate' is an appointment with Dr Giri on August 16. It's just a check up I think and I hope nothing else comes of it. I don't really have anything exciting to tell him.

Thyroid results and rocks

Ah, I started with the blood test in the last post but never mentioned the results. I went to the doctor today - my GP who sent me off for a biopsy and x-rays all those months ago - to find out the results of the test. As I feared, there does not appear to be a problem with my thyroid. I am just fat from steroids, sitting on my butt too much doing nothing and eating too much. So there will be no pill to help me lose kilos, just hard work burning more energy than I consume. Crapola. I did find it interesting to see that my result was back down to 2.5 which is closer to other tests I've had in the past, rather than the 3.6 it was last time. I guess everything freaks out a bit when it gets bombarded with poison, thyroid included.

I know I have mentioned my grandpa a few times lately but I keep being reminded of him. Not sure why. I have taken to having two cups of tea in the mornings sometimes, something he always used to do. I also thought of him many times while we were in the Grampians. He was a geologist and would always tell my sister and I about rocks when we went walking. Now I am telling Maesie about rocks when we go walking. What a boring geeky nanna I am. The mountains and rock formations of the Grampians really are impressive though and I could just imagine talking to Grandpa about them and how excited he would have been. The rocks also remind me about how beautiful and awesome (in the true sense of the word, not the everyday teenage use of the word) nature is and thus how much more so is the Creator of it all.

Lavatory thoughts, tears and tights

On Monday I went for a blood test. I went to the IMVS collection place at 'The Avenues' at Stepney. I thought "It won't be too busy, I'll just pop in there on my way to work". I thought wrong. I waited for about 50 minutes before it was my turn. I think I heard the complete CD that was playing - some guy I'd never heard of (I asked the nurse about it while she was trying to jab me) who sounded a bit Bob Dylan-ish and sang in about 5 different languages. I did a little people-watching and my favourite was a young lady (maybe she was 18?) who came in with her mum (I assume) and went to the lavatory. When she came out, her skirt - which was above the knee and made from a fabric suited more to the summer months - was partially tucked into her skin-coloured nylon tights, showing her beige briefs to the waiting room. Her mother didn't notice because it was on the opposite side from her so she didn't say anything. Neither did I. I wasn't sure how to go about it. Call out across the room "Hey lady, your skirt's stuck in your tights"? Walk across the room and have a quiet word? Awkward either way. So I am left wondering if and how she ever found out and how long she spent showing the world her underpants. Silly lady for wearing unseasonal fabric, for not being aware of a cold breeze on her upper thigh and for not checking her skirt was down before she left the cubicle. Even I, of limited skirt wearing experience, know that the final check is crucial.

I was quite surly from Sunday to Tuesday this week. I should have typed this yesterday when I still had the grumps because then it would have really been a 'from the heart' whinge. Today I feel better so there's not much to say about it. I did realise there was most likely a hormonal influence, which always tends to amplify troubles. I have been down and depressed and a bit teary - a few tears on Monday night, a few in the lav at work yesterday (most unglamorous, I know, but I am hardly known for glamour). Don't all get in a flap - I don't think there's much to be concerned about. It mainly all comes from lots of thoughts still in my head and not being able to do much about many of them. Things I want to do, things that are stopping me doing stuff, thoughts about 'survivorship' and whether or not all this psychological junk I have to wade through is what they talk about. Everyone's got those kind of thoughts wandering round in their heads though, haven't they? Could do this, want to do that, can't do that yet, missed my opportunity for that, glad I had kids, pity I've got kids, should have traveled, wish I could...... I guess it's all a bit amplified for me at the moment though because I had a kick up the arse to highlight the fact that I don't really know how long I've got to do stuff on this planet.

Whilst on the lav in Halls Gap I did have a little realisation. I guess I knew it anyway, but for some reason it was made clearer to me. My purpose during my years on Earth, I believe, is to bring glory to God. This can be done in many and varied ways but it kind of helps to test my other thoughts/wants/dreams against this to see if they fit. I struggle though to find the time/make the time to sit down and work it all out. I feel like I need a week in some secluded hut in the middle of no-where with a delightful wood fire, plenty of tea and biscuits and splendid scenery just to sit down and write stuff and think and make lists and sort it all out. But I can't do that because I'd feel terribly selfish and guilty, plus I might never want to come back. I'll just have to settle for 5 minutes here and there surrounded by junk and weeds at Gum Crescent.

Back to Gawler

Home again, home again, jiggity jig.

We drove home yesterday without event. A stop for lunch at Bordertown, a few DVDs (Pocoyo, Aladdin and the Forty Thieves and Monsters Inc), some pop-offs from Teddy and we made it to Gawler. Our house was beautifully clean and tidy thanks to our very able house-sitter. Pity it only took us about 5 minutes to mess it up once we unpacked the car and the girls played for ten seconds.

Before we left we did do a few other activities on Thursday and Friday: a couple more walks, a fire and toasting marshmallows, playing on the playground, Baldur's Gate for Dave, afternoon movies for Maesie.

Today I am shattered. I've fallen asleep sitting up on the couch about three times this afternoon. I just have no real urge to do anything. I can't even be bothered getting up. I'm still on the couch, I just asked Dave to pass me my computer. I will have to get up soon and do a few things before going to bed and it's going to be hard work to haul myself up.

Non-serene Victoria

We're in the Grampians. I did bring my mobile internet connection but there is no service here (no thanks to Vodafone). I'll have to try and find some coverage and post this later.

We travelled over on Monday and survived the car trip without too many hassles, thanks to a DVD player and a new Pocoyo DVD. The girls put up with six hours in the car and we only stopped twice. At one point we put on a CD of the BFG being read. Maesie fell asleep but Dave and I enjoyed it. We did almost hit a kangaroo on the last stretch into Halls Gap but Dave skilfully avoided hitting the beastie.

We went on a little walk on Tuesday morning before it started to rain and after lunch Elsie had a rest, Maesie and all her friends watched 'Monsters Inc' and Dave installed Baldur's Gate on his computer.

Victorian school holidays have finished and there aren't many people in the caravan park. It would be quite peaceful except there has been a bobcat out the front of our cabin doing some demolition work on both Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons. How's the serenity?!

On Wednesday morning we attempted to get to the top of Mount William in a quest to see snow. We didn't make it to the very top because it was ultra cold and Maesie wasn't keen to push on. I would have liked to get to the top but it was probably wisest for many reasons to cut our expedition short. I felt a bit ripped off though, like I have a couple of times when we've been out at friends' and about to play cards and the girls have woken up and we've gone home. Just part of parenting that I am still not used to - the continued setting aside of my own preferences in order to accommodate the small people in my care. I know I still need to ensure I meet my own needs and arrange to play cards unhindered if that's what I really want to do (which it isn't just yet), but you get what I mean.

Back at the car, we had a little picnic in the boot.

I have been reading a book entitled 'How to Read Your Child Like a Book'. It has been quite helpful in thinking about how to approach Maesie and her bossyness and annoying ways because it explains why kids do things at particular ages. It has got me thinking that I am a better parent in theory than in practise. In theory it's all very interesting how children grow up and learn but day to day helping them along is a hard slog for me, which I am a bit frustrated by because I would like to be able to enjoy my days rather than struggle through them, dragging youngsters towards independence. I still believe they are a blessing from the Lord, just a rather complex blessing.

Eighties memories

I see it is a week since I last wrote. There's not a whole lot to say. Very little related to lymphoma anyway - only that I am attempting to get back to normal and keep getting tripped up by fatigue.

I shan't recall all the happenings of the last week but will instead offer highlights.

We watched the movie 'Ghost Town' on Friday night. We thought it was a good movie and had a good giggle over that one.

We had dinner with six other couples on Saturday night and it was a lovely night out. We did take the girls with us this time though and Maesie woke up coughing and croaky just as we were about to play cards so we decided to go home. It was about 11pm anyway so probably time for us to be heading off but it was still a bit frustrating to not get to play cards because of youngsters. My sister and I probably cut short some of our parents' bridge nights, I'm not sure.

On Sunday afternoon we went to an afternoon tea to farewell some friends who are heading to Melbourne for missionary training. It was a pleasant afternoon - hot beverages, cupcakes, good company and conversation. I had made some biscuits and carrot cupcakes for the afternoon but the biscuits were not needed. On Sunday night I sandwiched them together with the left over cream cheese frosting from the cupcakes and then took them in to work on Monday. They went down a treat.

My sister ended up taking her 8 week old daughter to the Womens and Childrens Hospital on Monday night because she had a temperature that wouldn't go down. It ended up being a urinary tract infection and they left the hospital today but it meant that yesterday I was able to go and see my sister and niece both at lunchtime and after work. It was great to see them even though the circumstances weren't the best.

After leaving the hospital last night I circled the city a bit to find a park and then went to dinner at a splendid Chinese restaurant in Gouger St. The food was delicious and the company was, once more, delightful. Laughs, stories, catching up - it was all good. On the way home I cranked up the radio which at one point played T-Rex which always makes me remember fondly the eighties and my dad driving the trusty old Tarago.

My good mood was slightly dampened when I arrived home to find Dave snoozing on the couch with Maesie on his lap because she had coughed until she spewed and then freaked out a bit and wanted to wait up for me. She settled back to bed okay after I was home and then neither girl stirred until about quarter to 7 this morning. It was nice to have a reasonable block of sleep uninterrupted.

Today's excitement was going to see Toy Story 3. Dave and I took Maesie to the cinema for the first time. She was very excited and we all enjoyed the movie. It featured a pair of Ken shorts that also brought back fond memories of the eighties - playing Barbies with my sister. It also made me shed a tear or two as it feels like the end of an era in some weird way. My favourite quote came from Maesie today who said, about Andy playing with the toys, "He thinks they're pretend but they're real". My favourite observation from today was a man wearing desert boots. My Grandpa always used to wear desert boots so it was a little reminder of him and it made me chuckle.

My hair is growing back, as hair that isn't being attacked by chemo does however I am getting annoyed about it now. I just want my hair back. It's okay to not have hair while it's all happening but now that I am not having treatment I wish I could just look like a normal person. My hair almost looks like it could be a haircut of choice so that makes me feel slightly awkward when I am out and about. I feel like I need a sign around my neck that says "I didn't get this crappy haircut on purpose - I've just finished chemo". Maybe I'll print a T-shirt.

America - great to visit but don't get cancer there

I did RPM yesterday and today I am quite tired. This is crapola. I know I could experience fatigue for up to a year or so but I don't understand exactly why it keeps going for so long after the treatment. It doesn't seem to make sense to me. Stupid body should sort itself out.

Today I got up around 7:30 and had some breakfast and helped with feeding and dressing the small people. I waved Dave and the children off and then returned to bed to read for a while and then sleep for a while too. I got up again at 11am. That' s weird for me. I've kind of hauled myself around for the rest of the day. We did all venture down to the Munno this afternoon so that I could have an eye test and organise some new glasses. I am a tiny bit more blind in each eye. Yippee.

I have started reading a book by an American chick which is a compilation of lots of interviews she did with cancer patients in their twenties and thirties. It is an interesting book and different from most of the other cancer books I've read. What has struck me so far is that it is indeed a blessing to live in Australia and even though our health system is not flawless, it is pretty good. Medicare is a good system, for the most part. I have paid only a few dollars for a few tablets. I haven't paid for my scans or any of my chemo, which are crazy expensive drugs. I have paid in part because I have paid taxes and will pay them again in the future but I feel pretty lucky not to have the burden of having to sort out how I'm going to pay for the next round or any of that. In America it would not be that simple. People have to wade through excessive paperwork just to sort out how they are going to fund their treatment.