Tuesday, February 8, 2011
I couldn't keep away
After having a break and thinking about it all, I have decided to start a new blog. It can be found here: http://timeoveragain.blogspot.com
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
PS Thanks
I just realised that I forgot to say thank you.
Thanks for reading, for following my little journey, for praying, for being encouraging, for posting comments - everything. It definitely made a positive impact on an otherwise crumby situation.
Thanks for reading, for following my little journey, for praying, for being encouraging, for posting comments - everything. It definitely made a positive impact on an otherwise crumby situation.
That's all folks!
So this is the last post for this chapter. A few people have mentioned it will be sad to see it end and in some ways I agree. I'm going to have to talk to people about what I'm up to now, including my family, rather than just let them read about what's been going on. I may start another blog at some point but I will need to have a purpose for it, other than ramblings about junk.
On the medical side, the eczema I had behind my knees, which went during treatment due to the steroids I was on, is now back and as itchy and annoying as ever. My hair is growing fairly well and strangers would never know I've had a rough year, except maybe for the scars on my neck and the burn that remains on the side of my face. My energy levels have been quite good. I've had a couple of lowish days after doing too much but I haven't been totally wiped out fatigue-wise since mid September. Sometimes I feel like I have more energy than I have had for years and it makes me wonder how long I was sick for. I have a CT scan next week and will then go and see Dr Giri the week after. If all goes well, you won't hear about it. If the results are bad, I might be back to blogging sooner than I thought.
Things in the MacGillivray household have been the usual crazy. Work, pre-school, childcare, family events, church and all sorts of miscellaneous things. Elsie still wakes up every night so Dave and I continue to be fairly tired. Dave will be ordained as a Deacon in the Anglican Church on Saturday 27th of November and that will be quite significant.
As I have been considering my life over the last year or so, what has passed and what is to come - and my demise - which may or may not occur before I get old and will not, at the moment be due to lymphoma - I have felt that it would be negligent of me not to make it clear what it is that I, as a Christian, believe and why it has made and continues to make a difference to this difficult time and life more generally. I will endeavour to do my best however such explanations are not my greatest skill. If there are any questions, it would be best to talk to Dave.
I will assume two things from the outset: 1. That Jesus Christ is an historical figure who really lived on Earth for a while. This is generally accepted as true by historians. 2. That the Bible is true and is the word of God. There are explanations and reasons for why this is not a totally ridiculous thing to believe but that is a different, though related, topic.
Here goes...
God created the whole universe, which includes our dear Earth, all the creatures in, on and around our planet and human beings. Initially humans were perfect and in perfect relationship with God, however this was short lived as sin swiftly entered the world with the assistance of Satan. Sin means living apart from God and once the original humans made a decision to go against God the perfect relationship people had with God was destroyed.
God loves the world and its people and wants to restore the relationship He once enjoyed with the humans of His creation. He is also just and righteous though and as such could not leave the sin against Him unpunished. This leaves God in a conundrum but He is supremely wise and had worked out a plan before it was even required. He sent His son to earth as a man. He was born just like any person, except without the hospital or midwife, and named Jesus. During his 33 year life, Jesus did not sin, he never lived apart from God. He only made it to 33 because after a few years of teaching and healing lots of people and getting up the noses of some other people, he was crucified on a cross. He was buried but after three days he came to life again.
Sin against God is punishable by death because it is so detestable to his perfection. When Jesus died, he was punished for everyone's sin. This only worked for two equally important reasons 1. He was a human, just like us and 2. He is God the Son. Our sin was against God so he was the only one who could cancel it and it's humans who have sinned, so a human needed to take the punishment.
Jesus rose to life as he said he would, as recorded in the Bible, which means his other promises are also trustworthy, especially since he is God. One of his main promises is that people who accept that Jesus died to forgive their sins and follow him as Lord will live in heaven forever once they die on earth. Heaven is where God and everything good is. This means there is no pain, sickness, suffering, Brussels Sprouts (I'm guessing...) or chemotherapy. The alternative, hell, is devoid of anything good and is the absence of God.
So regardless of what happens on earth, I have hope for the future. Life on earth is but a few years where we get to decide whether we follow Jesus or not and then attempt to live accordingly. Despite all the bumps of this year, I have felt rock solid that God has been with me all the way and that if it all went horribly wrong and I ended up really sick or dead then I would go to be with Him. I get upset when I think about all the people and opportunities I would have left behind and I did/do worry about the possible pain that might come before death, but I don't fear death itself.
So it is with a small tear in my eye (mainly left over from the above paragraph which made me think about leaving people behind) that I post my farewell. I have been glad to share my winding road and will particularly miss not sharing tidbits of observations of others. I encourage you to pursue health issues that don't seem to resolve and to remember that you are mortal and live in a fallen world where lots of crappy things happen (lots of quite good things happen too and should be remembered) and you don't really know what tomorrow holds.
On the medical side, the eczema I had behind my knees, which went during treatment due to the steroids I was on, is now back and as itchy and annoying as ever. My hair is growing fairly well and strangers would never know I've had a rough year, except maybe for the scars on my neck and the burn that remains on the side of my face. My energy levels have been quite good. I've had a couple of lowish days after doing too much but I haven't been totally wiped out fatigue-wise since mid September. Sometimes I feel like I have more energy than I have had for years and it makes me wonder how long I was sick for. I have a CT scan next week and will then go and see Dr Giri the week after. If all goes well, you won't hear about it. If the results are bad, I might be back to blogging sooner than I thought.
Things in the MacGillivray household have been the usual crazy. Work, pre-school, childcare, family events, church and all sorts of miscellaneous things. Elsie still wakes up every night so Dave and I continue to be fairly tired. Dave will be ordained as a Deacon in the Anglican Church on Saturday 27th of November and that will be quite significant.
As I have been considering my life over the last year or so, what has passed and what is to come - and my demise - which may or may not occur before I get old and will not, at the moment be due to lymphoma - I have felt that it would be negligent of me not to make it clear what it is that I, as a Christian, believe and why it has made and continues to make a difference to this difficult time and life more generally. I will endeavour to do my best however such explanations are not my greatest skill. If there are any questions, it would be best to talk to Dave.
I will assume two things from the outset: 1. That Jesus Christ is an historical figure who really lived on Earth for a while. This is generally accepted as true by historians. 2. That the Bible is true and is the word of God. There are explanations and reasons for why this is not a totally ridiculous thing to believe but that is a different, though related, topic.
Here goes...
God created the whole universe, which includes our dear Earth, all the creatures in, on and around our planet and human beings. Initially humans were perfect and in perfect relationship with God, however this was short lived as sin swiftly entered the world with the assistance of Satan. Sin means living apart from God and once the original humans made a decision to go against God the perfect relationship people had with God was destroyed.
God loves the world and its people and wants to restore the relationship He once enjoyed with the humans of His creation. He is also just and righteous though and as such could not leave the sin against Him unpunished. This leaves God in a conundrum but He is supremely wise and had worked out a plan before it was even required. He sent His son to earth as a man. He was born just like any person, except without the hospital or midwife, and named Jesus. During his 33 year life, Jesus did not sin, he never lived apart from God. He only made it to 33 because after a few years of teaching and healing lots of people and getting up the noses of some other people, he was crucified on a cross. He was buried but after three days he came to life again.
Sin against God is punishable by death because it is so detestable to his perfection. When Jesus died, he was punished for everyone's sin. This only worked for two equally important reasons 1. He was a human, just like us and 2. He is God the Son. Our sin was against God so he was the only one who could cancel it and it's humans who have sinned, so a human needed to take the punishment.
Jesus rose to life as he said he would, as recorded in the Bible, which means his other promises are also trustworthy, especially since he is God. One of his main promises is that people who accept that Jesus died to forgive their sins and follow him as Lord will live in heaven forever once they die on earth. Heaven is where God and everything good is. This means there is no pain, sickness, suffering, Brussels Sprouts (I'm guessing...) or chemotherapy. The alternative, hell, is devoid of anything good and is the absence of God.
So regardless of what happens on earth, I have hope for the future. Life on earth is but a few years where we get to decide whether we follow Jesus or not and then attempt to live accordingly. Despite all the bumps of this year, I have felt rock solid that God has been with me all the way and that if it all went horribly wrong and I ended up really sick or dead then I would go to be with Him. I get upset when I think about all the people and opportunities I would have left behind and I did/do worry about the possible pain that might come before death, but I don't fear death itself.
So it is with a small tear in my eye (mainly left over from the above paragraph which made me think about leaving people behind) that I post my farewell. I have been glad to share my winding road and will particularly miss not sharing tidbits of observations of others. I encourage you to pursue health issues that don't seem to resolve and to remember that you are mortal and live in a fallen world where lots of crappy things happen (lots of quite good things happen too and should be remembered) and you don't really know what tomorrow holds.
Friday, October 29, 2010
There walks a lady we all know
It was a year ago this week when everything got crazy really quickly. I was looking through my journal/notebook the other day and reading what I'd written. It was October 26th when the doctor told me the needle biopsy seemed to indicate Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I saw her the next day and after that appointment I went to see the surgeon - by the evening of October 27th I was at Modbury Hospital in preparation for removal of a lymph node from my neck the next day (Wednesday). On Thursday 29th I went home - that was a year today.
I went to see the psychologist this week and once I'd told her about my year, she wasn't surprised that I was back to see her. It was quite good. My head isn't all sorted out, it's going to take a while - but it was good to have someone help me start to work through a whole tonne of junk from the last 12 months.
I have remembered a number of times lately that around this time last year I was also taking Maesie to rehearsals for her dance concert. I am so very glad that I'm not doing that this year. No crazy make up, no hair in rags. It's lovely.
I'm still struggling with getting rid of a few kilos. I'm doing more exercise and eating less (most days) but I can't shift it. I am getting fitter and I feel better, but I just don't seem to be able to farewell some unwanted pounds. I know there may be legitimate reasons for this, but how long can I blame treatment? When should I do something else about it, or go and see someone? Who knows.
Lately it's been a struggle at home. Dave and I are tired. We stay up too late, Dave is trying to finish assignments, the girls wake us up during the night and we haven't really paused since I got the all-clear in September. The girls are being 2 and 4. They bug each other, don't listen to us, don't want those socks today, don't want to brush their hair. Dave and I are not on the front foot with the girls (or much, really) and we always feel behind. It doesn't make for a happy family. I felt rebuked this morning though because we went to the funeral of the baby who died a while ago. I need to find ways to enjoy my children while I still have them. It was so wrong to have such a tiny box up the front and to place a flower on it and so sad to watch a man carry his son to the back of a car in a box. One of the songs was 'Because He Lives'. I haven't sung that song for ages and it's a pleasant little chorus:
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone.
Because I know, He holds the future,
And life is worth the living, just because He lives.
I guess it also summarises my year a bit - whatever came along could be faced because Jesus died and rose to life.
I've decided to bring this blog to an end. I have one more post to write and then I won't be adding anything else, unless some other, significant, life changing event occurs. It's been handy to have somewhere to write things and to be able to let people know what's going on without lots of emails or phone calls, but now it's more difficult to make time to post. There also isn't much to say these days - random comments about things in the day, complaints about children not sleeping, other banal ramblings that don't need to be shared. I might make it into a book of some description, maybe just a print out of the blog as it stands for my own records or maybe something bigger with the goal of publication - I'm not sure at the moment.
I went to see the psychologist this week and once I'd told her about my year, she wasn't surprised that I was back to see her. It was quite good. My head isn't all sorted out, it's going to take a while - but it was good to have someone help me start to work through a whole tonne of junk from the last 12 months.
I have remembered a number of times lately that around this time last year I was also taking Maesie to rehearsals for her dance concert. I am so very glad that I'm not doing that this year. No crazy make up, no hair in rags. It's lovely.
I'm still struggling with getting rid of a few kilos. I'm doing more exercise and eating less (most days) but I can't shift it. I am getting fitter and I feel better, but I just don't seem to be able to farewell some unwanted pounds. I know there may be legitimate reasons for this, but how long can I blame treatment? When should I do something else about it, or go and see someone? Who knows.
Lately it's been a struggle at home. Dave and I are tired. We stay up too late, Dave is trying to finish assignments, the girls wake us up during the night and we haven't really paused since I got the all-clear in September. The girls are being 2 and 4. They bug each other, don't listen to us, don't want those socks today, don't want to brush their hair. Dave and I are not on the front foot with the girls (or much, really) and we always feel behind. It doesn't make for a happy family. I felt rebuked this morning though because we went to the funeral of the baby who died a while ago. I need to find ways to enjoy my children while I still have them. It was so wrong to have such a tiny box up the front and to place a flower on it and so sad to watch a man carry his son to the back of a car in a box. One of the songs was 'Because He Lives'. I haven't sung that song for ages and it's a pleasant little chorus:
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone.
Because I know, He holds the future,
And life is worth the living, just because He lives.
I guess it also summarises my year a bit - whatever came along could be faced because Jesus died and rose to life.
I've decided to bring this blog to an end. I have one more post to write and then I won't be adding anything else, unless some other, significant, life changing event occurs. It's been handy to have somewhere to write things and to be able to let people know what's going on without lots of emails or phone calls, but now it's more difficult to make time to post. There also isn't much to say these days - random comments about things in the day, complaints about children not sleeping, other banal ramblings that don't need to be shared. I might make it into a book of some description, maybe just a print out of the blog as it stands for my own records or maybe something bigger with the goal of publication - I'm not sure at the moment.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Making way for the postman
There's not a whole lot to say, and I don't have long to say it because I have to go to bed. I just thought I'd better write something for the week.
The main thing is that I have been feeling better. I will still go and see the psychologist next week because it will be good to think through some things, but the last few days have not been as bad.
On the weekend we got a few jobs done in the yard, which is a bonus. Today I pulled some more weeds out too. The weeds definitely defeated us this winter but next year I am hoping they won't get as far. We have a new strategy that involves Zero in spray packs conveniently located by the front door.
I think the postman has been avoiding our letterbox. The letters were on the bonnet of the car this morning, except I didn't notice until I had picked up a bit of speed down the street and they all flew off. I had to stop and run down the road to pick them all up. Then when I got home today there was a catalogue on the footpath. I think he's grumpy about the letterbox being full of rocks (courtesy of the girls) and there often being a car parked on the bit between the road and our letterbox (the verge?) and lots of high weeds. There's no dog chasing him though, so what's the big deal. Anyway, I like getting mail so I returned the rocks to the path, pulled up the weeds, asked Dave to whipper-snip the tall grass and moved the car. Hopefully the mail goes in the box tomorrow. Perhaps I need to lay a red carpet.
You may recall that some time ago I had a slight pre-wedding dilemma because I couldn't find the underpants I wanted. I found them today. They were in one of the 'to be washed' clothes hampers in the laundry, under a dress I haven' t worn since last summer and eventually threw into the machine today. Happy day. I was glad to see them again.
The other thing to mention is that I have signed up for WaterAid's Walk4Water and I am attempting to take 10 000 steps each day for a month to raise some cash for WaterAid. They help people in developing countries access clean, safe water. Please think about sponsoring my efforts and be thankful for the water you can access from a tap in your house. Here's a link that should work:
https://www.wateraidcommunity.org.au/SSLPage.aspx?pid=407&frsid=695
The main thing is that I have been feeling better. I will still go and see the psychologist next week because it will be good to think through some things, but the last few days have not been as bad.
On the weekend we got a few jobs done in the yard, which is a bonus. Today I pulled some more weeds out too. The weeds definitely defeated us this winter but next year I am hoping they won't get as far. We have a new strategy that involves Zero in spray packs conveniently located by the front door.
I think the postman has been avoiding our letterbox. The letters were on the bonnet of the car this morning, except I didn't notice until I had picked up a bit of speed down the street and they all flew off. I had to stop and run down the road to pick them all up. Then when I got home today there was a catalogue on the footpath. I think he's grumpy about the letterbox being full of rocks (courtesy of the girls) and there often being a car parked on the bit between the road and our letterbox (the verge?) and lots of high weeds. There's no dog chasing him though, so what's the big deal. Anyway, I like getting mail so I returned the rocks to the path, pulled up the weeds, asked Dave to whipper-snip the tall grass and moved the car. Hopefully the mail goes in the box tomorrow. Perhaps I need to lay a red carpet.
You may recall that some time ago I had a slight pre-wedding dilemma because I couldn't find the underpants I wanted. I found them today. They were in one of the 'to be washed' clothes hampers in the laundry, under a dress I haven' t worn since last summer and eventually threw into the machine today. Happy day. I was glad to see them again.
The other thing to mention is that I have signed up for WaterAid's Walk4Water and I am attempting to take 10 000 steps each day for a month to raise some cash for WaterAid. They help people in developing countries access clean, safe water. Please think about sponsoring my efforts and be thankful for the water you can access from a tap in your house. Here's a link that should work:
https://www.wateraidcommunity.org.au/SSLPage.aspx?pid=407&frsid=695
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Anger, fear, aggression... the dark side are they.
I haven't been up to much really in the last week. Some work, a course for church, a family picnic, a couple of meetings. I have started making more of an effort to get fit again and to try and get rid of a few extra kilos that are no longer welcome. I've finished the antibiotics for my neck and that's pretty much fixed up. It's not red and it's not swollen anymore. It's healing ok I think.
I dropped Maesie at kindy this morning and ummed and ahhhed about this on my way home and I think I reached the conclusion that I should include it because it's part of this whole journey and I've been honest up till now, so why change?
It's been about three weeks since I was told I am in remission and although it would probably be fair to think I should be ultra happy and walking with a spring in my step, I'm not. I'm actually feeling fairly messed up. I suspect I am depressed, which is nothing new as I had post natal depression with Elsie and garden variety depression a number of years before that. I'm quite grumpy, quite angry and quite teary. I can't really work out why. I did borrow a whole heap of books on 'surviving' cancer and the psychological effects but I didn't finish them. Looks like I should have.
Don't think that I wish I wasn't in remission. That is not it at all. I am glad not to have lymphoma anymore. I am glad that I don't have to have any further treatment. I thank and praise the Lord for healing me and I know that He will get me through this bumpy time too. But I'm finding it's not just as easy as accepting it's all over and moving on. I almost feel more messed up now than I did when I first found out. I guess when it was all happening and I felt crap and had treatment and went to hospital and had blood tests and had no hair there was something to focus on, to work through, to take on as a challenge. Now I feel a bit like I've just been cut off and left to drift. You're all better, off you go. Back to what you were doing a year ago before all this crap landed in your lap. But I can't just go back. Things aren't the same as they used to be, in so many different ways. Or maybe it's more that most things are still much the same, but I am not. I don't know.
I half think that it's not a big deal and I should just get over it. Work it out, pull myself together. I'm not totally miserable, I do have some ok times and I can function pretty close to normal, but I feel the balance is more to the dark side than is recommended for good mental health. So I'm out of sorts. I've made an appointment to see the psychologist again, so hopefully that will help to get back on track.
Now, I've put this all here because I think it needs to be included and because it's safe to type it out on the computer. I don't want to talk about it in real life. It's a little risky and I'm a bit uncertain about everyone knowing stuff they usually wouldn't but I'm also a bit over caring. This is what's going on. But if you see me, don't embrace me or say anything about it.
This post will erase itself from your memory when you walk away from the computer.....
I dropped Maesie at kindy this morning and ummed and ahhhed about this on my way home and I think I reached the conclusion that I should include it because it's part of this whole journey and I've been honest up till now, so why change?
It's been about three weeks since I was told I am in remission and although it would probably be fair to think I should be ultra happy and walking with a spring in my step, I'm not. I'm actually feeling fairly messed up. I suspect I am depressed, which is nothing new as I had post natal depression with Elsie and garden variety depression a number of years before that. I'm quite grumpy, quite angry and quite teary. I can't really work out why. I did borrow a whole heap of books on 'surviving' cancer and the psychological effects but I didn't finish them. Looks like I should have.
Don't think that I wish I wasn't in remission. That is not it at all. I am glad not to have lymphoma anymore. I am glad that I don't have to have any further treatment. I thank and praise the Lord for healing me and I know that He will get me through this bumpy time too. But I'm finding it's not just as easy as accepting it's all over and moving on. I almost feel more messed up now than I did when I first found out. I guess when it was all happening and I felt crap and had treatment and went to hospital and had blood tests and had no hair there was something to focus on, to work through, to take on as a challenge. Now I feel a bit like I've just been cut off and left to drift. You're all better, off you go. Back to what you were doing a year ago before all this crap landed in your lap. But I can't just go back. Things aren't the same as they used to be, in so many different ways. Or maybe it's more that most things are still much the same, but I am not. I don't know.
I half think that it's not a big deal and I should just get over it. Work it out, pull myself together. I'm not totally miserable, I do have some ok times and I can function pretty close to normal, but I feel the balance is more to the dark side than is recommended for good mental health. So I'm out of sorts. I've made an appointment to see the psychologist again, so hopefully that will help to get back on track.
Now, I've put this all here because I think it needs to be included and because it's safe to type it out on the computer. I don't want to talk about it in real life. It's a little risky and I'm a bit uncertain about everyone knowing stuff they usually wouldn't but I'm also a bit over caring. This is what's going on. But if you see me, don't embrace me or say anything about it.
This post will erase itself from your memory when you walk away from the computer.....
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Part of a redneck agenda
I had my biopsy operation a couple of weeks ago, on the Wednesday. The following Thursday (that's last week now) I went in to see the surgeon so that he could check out my wound and follow up the procedure. It was nice to meet him - awake and fully clothed. He had a look at my neck and said it all looked good and repeated that he didn't see anything nasty down in my chest. After that appointment I drove to Gaganis Bros and had a great time buying all sorts of supplies for a conference I was about to cook on. Such a great place. I will definitely be going there again. I digress.
On Friday Dave and I dropped the girls with grandparents and drove to Victor for the conference. The cut on my neck was a bit red, but not too crazy and it wasn't sore enough for Panadol. On Saturday though, it was a bit more red and swollen and hot. I asked one of the guys who was a doctor at the conference what he thought and he said it didn't look too bad, just keep an eye on it and keep it clean. So I did and on Sunday I thought it was still red and swollen and hot so I asked a different doctor at the conference what he thought. He also didn't think it was too bad, but to keep an eye on it. On Sunday evening Dave and another one of the kitchen folk thought that it was starting too look worse, so they called in the doctor again. He agreed that it looked a bit worse and suggested a trip to the Victor hospital may be wise. We thanked him with a piece of florentine slice and then Dave and I went to the hospital. It was thankfully quiet. We were in and out with a day's worth of antibiotics and a prescription for a full course in about an hour. Bulk billed. Not too bad for a Sunday night of a long weekend. We were sorry that we had not taken more florentine slice for the doctor at the hospital. We returned to the conference in time for supper.
On Monday night when we got home it was still quite swollen and big and red. One end kind of opened a little and started oozing goo, so I armed myself with tissues and gently massaged and pressed my neck around the wound to assist in the draining of disgustingness from my neck. A bit of fun but a fair bit of gross. I had another crack at it on Tuesday morning and got a bit more out. Today it's not being very interesting. It's gone down and isn't very swollen. It's not oozing and it's not angry red anymore.
On Friday Dave and I dropped the girls with grandparents and drove to Victor for the conference. The cut on my neck was a bit red, but not too crazy and it wasn't sore enough for Panadol. On Saturday though, it was a bit more red and swollen and hot. I asked one of the guys who was a doctor at the conference what he thought and he said it didn't look too bad, just keep an eye on it and keep it clean. So I did and on Sunday I thought it was still red and swollen and hot so I asked a different doctor at the conference what he thought. He also didn't think it was too bad, but to keep an eye on it. On Sunday evening Dave and another one of the kitchen folk thought that it was starting too look worse, so they called in the doctor again. He agreed that it looked a bit worse and suggested a trip to the Victor hospital may be wise. We thanked him with a piece of florentine slice and then Dave and I went to the hospital. It was thankfully quiet. We were in and out with a day's worth of antibiotics and a prescription for a full course in about an hour. Bulk billed. Not too bad for a Sunday night of a long weekend. We were sorry that we had not taken more florentine slice for the doctor at the hospital. We returned to the conference in time for supper.
On Monday night when we got home it was still quite swollen and big and red. One end kind of opened a little and started oozing goo, so I armed myself with tissues and gently massaged and pressed my neck around the wound to assist in the draining of disgustingness from my neck. A bit of fun but a fair bit of gross. I had another crack at it on Tuesday morning and got a bit more out. Today it's not being very interesting. It's gone down and isn't very swollen. It's not oozing and it's not angry red anymore.
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